one, two, three, here we go

tigers on the inside.

monkey see, monkey do.

my moon, my man

all the kings horses

out of order

sadie.

jump into the bathroom, take a look around. squashed cockroach on the floor. probably been there all weekend. A clumped veil of mineral powder coating the sink. hand towels on the floor, wedged under the cabinet. various splodges of i don't know what in little constellations here and there. I need to get ready, I might have time to do a quick clean up… but I've been away all weekend, when I left things weren't like this. Personal fight for hygiene vs letting others take responsibility for the mess they make. Hrmm. Undress, put one foot into the shower, look down… I cannot tolerate standing on the foot grime of other people.

This is a shitty shower, white plastic with a nozzle so far down the wall you need to either bend over backwards or sit on the floor to wash your hair. It groans under your weight if you step on the wrong part.

This is not my favourite shower, so when the usually white floor turns the murky colour of toe jam it's time to take action.

There's no one else home so i leap out of the cesspool, naked bar my showercap and rustle through the kitchen cabinet for some kind of cleaning product. nothing. scour the bench for something helpful. nothing. dart around the apartment and look at every possible hiding place. nothing. back to the bathroom and tear through the cabinets. nothing. one more lap around, my last desperate attempt.

Someone else rustles. I see a shadow under the door and hear the jangle of keys. Realise i'm nude and dive back into the safety of the bathroom just in time.

F this. I reluctantly turn the shower on and decide just not to look down… or around at anything really. Start to wonder how much that easy off BAM stuff costs, and maybe a really huge scrubbing brush.. and a dustpan and brush for the cockroach. Think about doing everyones washing.. not sure if I want the walked on handtowels to be in with my delicates…can toe jam contaminate underpants? do they need to be separated? Is it worth doing? They'll probably just end up back on the floor anyway. And no one else will put in money for cleaning products…

Loud rap on the shower door… unfamiliar voice… am i getting robbed? Is someone asking whether i'd rather keep my ghd or my life?

Wrapped in my towel i gingerly open the door, a bit scared there might be a baseball bat waiting to connect with my head on the other side.

CLEANING LADY!! You'd like to change my sheets? Why yes, yes you can. You want to get stuck in to my bathroom? be my guest! oh you'd like to take my rubbish out too? you angel.

Much better than a smack in the head.

Cockroach is still in the bathroom, his corpse has joined the hand towels under the sink… constellations still visible… BUT no more brown shower, no more makeupped sink, my bed is clean and made, the toilet has been scrubbed and the rubbish has vanished.

Mess induced panic attack avoided.

Hallelujah for hotel living.

lazy bones

kill pixie.

to market, to market

this is not art.






magic vietnamese pancakes. i could eat these every day.

marrickville mole